Lia (pixichik) wrote,

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Escape to freedom.

I had a dream this morning that I was an explorer on Saturn, and I predicted that one day, Saturn would be sucked into the orbit of yet another planet. In a universe where planets revolve around suns, and moons turn about planets, where force alone forever masters weakness, compelling it to be an obedient slave or else crushing it, there can be no special laws for man. For him, too, the eternal principles of this ultimate wisdom hold sway. He can try to comprehend them, but escape them, never. And that's how my day started. Following closely after that was another trip to church. Narf! see a hundred or so heads bow all at the same time when the pastor says: "let us pray" holds my intrigue. Do they really think that these rituals and beliefs they practice will make them more holy? Will their prayers (or hopes, as I like to call him - that's really all they are) bring them closer to their god? If they recite lines from hymnals, is it true that they are praising their lord...if those words are not even their own??? Church. It's pointless.

On a less agnostic note. I think that something's wrong with me, I really do. Added to everything that was wrong with me before, now I can't even eat. But enough of my whining. I went to Alex's yesterday...and david was there. I was glad to see him...I at least know that he hasn't yet persued his perpetual walking dream. He's back in school, and he has a girlfriend. Apparently he loves her...and I don't have to worry about him much anymore. Why does everyone, incuding myself, seem so BLAH lately?? Please say that it's the weather, and not the end of the world...

"Cherry knew that she should call a cab, but she didn't have the energy to stop and call one, so she just kept walking. Not even realizing that she was doing it, she dragged her knuckles against a brick wall until they were flecked with blood. She tried to think, but couldn't - she felt like a little girl who had slipped dowstairs and secretly witnessed the drama from inside a dusty arrangement of roses that made her nose tickle. Then she stopped walking and put her bleeding knuckles to her mouth. She sat down on the sidewalk, dropped her head, closed her eyes, bit her lip, and pressed her palms against her ears as if she could make the memories go away, like the monkeys who refuse to acknowledge evil. It didn't work. She saw three monkeys, all with his face." I wonder if my story's even going anywhere. I hate this - whenever I write, I always have a beginning and an end all worked out, but the middle is always just a bunch of bullshit. Argh.

The sun just came out. This morning, as I walked out of church, I looked at the world in a different perspective for a brief moment and almost cried. I have no words to descibe this...I just felt this incredible connection to the I wasn't me anymore, I was just a part of this big cycle. Which is all it is, really...except I'd like to think of myslelf as a little more than that. It depresses me to think that I don't even matter; that I'm more of a PART of it than an actual contribution. Vancouver is such a drone town. I quote Stevo from SLC Punk on this one..."You moved here to change nothing, only to perpetuate this cycle of greed, fashion, and money..." and that goes for my parents as well as Stevo's. They don't want to change anything, they just want to perepectuate these stupid cycles! Well...*I* want to change something, goddamnit. I should become a politician. Narf. What the hell can I do to change anything? I'm just one girl.
I'm just one girl.
Do I really know things?
It's a proven fact that everyone makes a difference.
But I am only an imbalance.
I am only a fluke.
My motives are probably harmful.
This death is at my own will.
He stole my youth,
I sold my soul...
A soul that speaks
But tells only lies...
Wow, what random poetry skills; I'm on a roll! That one might make for an excellent song...if only it had some rhythm. Grr, we have school tomorrow...I wonder where Lehah is.

I think Patrick's becoming tired of me. I TOLD him that I was boring, but he never listened. Oh well, that's the way life goes. Don't stop just yet...we've got the world looking in our window.

The sun disappeared again. Sigh.
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